PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—In a combative press conference at Mar-a-Lago on Monday, Donald J. Trump touted the “huge crowd” of voices he hears inside his head. “I have maybe millions of voices, all talking at the same time,” he told reporters. “How many voices does Kamala have? Maybe one, if she’s lucky.” Marveling at the variety of voices in his head, he claimed, “There are people in there from countries you’ve never heard of.” Trump lashed out at the media for failing to cover the enormous crowds in his head. “I have more voices than Martin Luther King,” he said. “They gave MLK a day—I should get a whole month.” TBR Contest: Rename JD Vance!JD Vance has gone by at least four different names. Come up with the perfect fifth and win a spectacular grand prize! Contest details here.Must-see Interview: Trump’s Severe Cognitive DeclineProfile in Terror: Kristi NoemShe hates dogs as much as JD Vance hates cats. But there’s so much more about Kristi Noem that she’d rather you not find out. Read the TBR exclusive here.The Borowitz Report is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. © 2024 Andy Borowitz |